Telepathetic
by SocialDegenerate
Summary: Schuldig's not having a good day at all. Despite that, he still manages to find an interesting way to amuse himself...*Ridiculous one-shot alert!*  Vague, non-explicit yaoi


*******This is, in a word, ridiculous. As much as I love Evil Schuldig, I also love Wacky Hyperactive Slut Schuldig; and when I need a break from depressing myself with 'Razorblade Romance', it's likely that something this stupid is going to come out. Maybe next time I'll do true Evil Bitch Schu.

There's no _real_ smut in this, but there are various pairings mentioned; they involve combinations of Schu, Brad, Yohji, Aya and a little bit of Ken on the periphery. Oh, and there's misuse of one Iron Maiden album and 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'. Got all that?

Je ne suis pas the owner of any of this!*******

* * *

"Braadddyyyy-Boy! Where are youuuuuu?"

I love being an asshole. It's especially fun when it's Brad Crawford that I'm messing with, that straight-laced bastard. I can't wait until he realises that I call him 'Braddy-Boy' because it's close to 'batty boy'; I know that he has no idea at the moment 'cause I still have all my limbs. That's a damn good indicator, really. I'm thinking that he's in his office, so naturally I just wander in without waiting for an invitation.

"What do you want, Schuldig? Some of us have _work_ to do."

Oh, good! He sounds particularly pissy today, which always leads to fun times for Schu. Never thought I'd actually be thanking that Takatori fuckwit…

"Awww, Braddy, don't be like that. Forget the stupid, fat prick for a few minutes. I've got a question for you!"

The glasses are off, and he's rubbing his temples. I reckon that this is only going to take seven sentences; any more and I'll…stop invading Abyssinian's dreams for a week. A whole _week_! Don't let me down now, pissy leader!

"Well y'see, I was just thinking; you know how you can see the future and all?"

…I don't think an anguished sigh counts as a sentence. Nah, it totally doesn't, not even one that drawn out.

"Actually, Schuldig, I'd forgotten about the random losses of reality and crushing headaches; I'm so glad to have you around to remind me."

Sarcasm: yet another good sign. Well, not so much good for my health, but definitely good for my amusement. It's not real often that I can drag Brad down to this kind of level.

"Oh, it's my pleasure, but this is incredibly important: Can you, Mr Future-Seeing-Guy, foretell your own death? Because that would be really fuckin' annoying."

Four sentences in, and he's _this_ close to making Nagi hold me still so he can put some priest robes on me and throw me to the lions…well, to Farfarello. Actually, I might prefer the lions, because at least they aren't sadistic. Besides, even though I'm trying to irritate him, it's a legitimate question!

"For crying out loud…Have you been listening to 'Seventh Son of a Seventh Son' again? I thought I told you to stop with that racket."

Uh-oh, that makes six and I'm still standing in front of his desk. Looks like I may have to find a new hobby for the next week…

"Hey, it's better than that pop shit the kid listens to, and it has the amazing power of loosening a person up, just like a good, hard fucking…"

Yeah, it's a terrible segue, but at least this should get me thrown out of here on target. He usually clams up about sex, even though I let him have my ass when he asks reaalllllyyy nicely. Well, if his time at the facility was like mine, it's not really a surprise that sex makes him squeamish; we can't _all_ have my amazing mental toughness. After all, Brad's a total girl on the inside; he didn't have his mind shields up well enough one day and I caught him mentally redecorating the house. And it wasn't just moving furniture; it was actually fucking _themed_!

Anyway, if I hadn't basically stripped naked and pranced around in front of him, _repeatedly_, he'd still be so far inside the fucking closet that he'd be having adventures in Narnia. Oooh, here it comes, he looks like steam should be coming out of his ears; but if he speaks, I lose!

"…" He's standing up, "…" Walking over to me, "…" Stopping in front of me, "…Alright, Schuldig, I'm curious now. Should we see if that's the truth or not?"

God-fucking-dammit, he spoke. Why'd he have to go and say another sentence…_wait_…that was definitely a blatant come-on…Mmm, I think that I can give up Fujimiya if _this_ is going to become a regular occurrence!

"Oh, Braddy! I thought you'd never ask. C'mere, you."

He hates it when I pull him closer with his tie; so naturally I do it as often as I possibly can. It feels like he managed to get his tongue down my throat before our lips actually connected; someone's excitable today!

His hand flicks my belt open with ridiculous skill, and it's down my pants before I can think about returning the favour. I close my eyes, losing myself in the feeling of him in my mouth and stroking my cock. Damn, but he's _good_ at this…

***Bang!***

…And just like that, there's no more Brad. Instead, there's an understated yet elegant wooden door facing me. Fuck, I'm the telepathic one! It's not fair that he should be able to push me out of a room without me noticing! What's the point of having amazing abilities of mind reading and sexiness if you can't use them on whoever you want? Fuck this.

Really, I should just sit down here and jerk off as loudly as I can. That'd learn him for being such a cold prick.

But, even though I'm annoyingly turned on, I was going to mess with _someone else_ today. Would've stayed in bed if I wanted to be alone. Maybe even tried to coax back the dream I had last night…it was truly amazing.

Ever seen 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'?

Well, in my dream, Brad was, uh, Brad; I was an astoundingly masculine Janet; Fujimiya was totally rockin' those heels and fishnets as Frank; and Balinese…he was kicking around in a teeny little pair of gold hotpants. It almost makes me drool just thinking about it; those guys are ridiculously hot, even if I'm supposed to hate 'em or whatever. Which I do, but that doesn't stop me from checking their asses out as I'm kicking them.

But it gets better. You know that scene where the doctor beds 'em both? Oh, _yeah_. Brad was screwing me, then Abyssinian was screwing me, then Brad was screwing me again, then Fujimiya was screwing Brad, and then Kudoh was screwing me…

You know what? When this week of abstinence is over, the next dream that Fujimiya's getting is going to involve make-up, kinky heels, corsets and fishnets. He's gonna freak! It's a good thing that I dragged Brad kicking and screaming from that closet; it must've been bloody crowded with him and the redhead vying for the deepest spot.

Now it's just little Abyssinian in there, but for how much longer I have no idea; it's obvious to anyone with eyes and maybe a _little_ mind reading power that the slutty one and the athletic one are trying their best to coax him out. Mmmm…I'm definitely going to have to be lurking around when they finally wise up, and decide to work_ together_ to get Fujimiya's fly open.

Shiiiiit, looks like I'm going to have to entertain myself for a couple of minutes after all. This hard-on isn't going to go away while that dream's still floating around in my head.

Well, my belt's already open, so I guess that makes it a little easier. Far too much practice makes it simple to have my dick out in a matter of seconds, and I know that this isn't gonna last long.

I might like being loud, but I can do this quietly as well; leave a little _surprise_ for Braddy-Boy when he finally leaves his own little Fortress of Solitude.

Frantically pulling myself with one hand, the other rises to my mouth so I can bite around the knuckle, and not start screaming obscenities just for shits and giggles. My dream-memories mutate, creating an image behind my eyes of Brad pounding my ass while a pair of cross-dressing Weiss attempt to suck me dry…

A muffled cry, a shudder and a pair of quite weak knees later, Braddy's door now has a rather fetching stain proudly splashed across it…I may just die for this one. I'm positive that he didn't get a vision about _this_, because his whole deal seems pretty erratic; and I'm pretty sure that if he had've foreseen me here, my dick wouldn't be attached to my body anymore.

I know that he can hear me cackling as I retreat down the hallway while tucking myself back in. Now that one issue's been dealt with, I still feel like messing with someone. Hmmm…I wonder if Nagi's around…

"Oh NAGI-KINNNNSSSS!"

Fuck, he's pinned me to the spot. I can't even force him to let me go; his shields are right up there with Brad's, and I can only really influence people who're weak, drunk, high, stressed or sleeping. I don't think that Nagi really partakes in any of those things; internet porn seems to be a pretty good substitute for sleep and going out to him. Perverted little kid.

His voice calls out from somewhere to my left.

"Don't even bother, Rambo. I can have you out the window before you realise that you're moving."

"Oh, ha ha, aren't you just hilarious. I'm not even wearing a bandana today, you little shit."

He wanders in from the next room, spinning a pen between his fingers. I don't know why he insists on going to school and doing homework, because it's not like he's ever going to _learn_ anything there. He'd easily be smarter than all of his teachers.

"Whatever. Did you actually have anything useful to say, which seems highly unlikely, or are you just trying to be an annoying asshole again?"

…Stupid fucking kid. Never lets me have any fun. If I could move my arm, I'd be staining the carpet red with his blood…Screw him and his goddamned telekinesis! Just wait, one day he'll let his shields down and BAM! Aneurism. Even if I can't control people, I can still overload their brains by flooding them with noise, pure and simple.

I asked Brad one day why I couldn't just do that to Weiss, Schreiend, Takatori, and everyone else who makes our lives difficult; apparently, Braddy's master plan involves all them being alive. I reckon that he just doesn't want me to have any fun.

I don't answer Nagi, and he shrugs.

"Hmm, I suppose that answers _that_ question. Next time you're bored and Brad won't let you into his knickers, go play in traffic and don't bother me."

"Awww, Nagi-kins, don't tell me that you're jealous! I'm sorry, but you're a _bit_ too young for me…I know! You can go screw around with your little blue-haired girlfriend! The one with the umbrella and no concept of talking in the first person!"

Immediately, the pressure holding me changes and it feels like my arms are about to rip out of their sockets. He won't do it, though. Brad would kill Nagi if he put me out of commission at this stage in the game; things are just getting good with Weiss and Schreiend…

"Don't worry, Nags! I read her mind, and she's totally into you…somewhere underneath the Daddy complex!"

Shit, he's locked my jaw. At least he can't focus on straining my arms _and_ holding my mouth without stopping my breathing at the same time; it feels good to have the pressure on my shoulders relax. Still can't move, though…

"If you say one more word about her, Schuldig, I swear that I'll rip your muscles away from your bones bit by bit, and then skin you before you die. Now get your telepathetic ass out of here before I decide to drop you off a very, _very_ tall building!"

Ouch, my ears are caning from that little outburst. He started off quietly, but by the end of his speech the house is nearly shaking. Brad'll be out in a minute to watch the show if Nagi gets any louder.

An invisible wall forces me backwards out of the room, and as I unwillingly go I hear Farfie laughing manically from the room that Nagi was in before I came down, clearly in a relatively good mood. Between his laughs he's repeating the word 'telepathetic', obviously finding the kid's stupid pun endlessly hilarious. Or maybe the joke was just so bad that he figures it must hurt God.

Damned annoying psychopath. He's usually on my side!

Stupid fucking team-mates, all determined to make sure that I have a shitty day. You know what? Screw 'em all. I'm going lurking until that little bastard Abyssinian falls asleep; I don't care about waiting that week anymore. I was never planning on sticking to it anyway.

Finally regaining control of my body, I wander back down the hall towards Brad's office and lean back against the wall next to the closed door. It's still pretty easy to see the new stain splashed across it; he's gonna absolutely _lose it_ when he sees my little masterpiece!

"Oi, Crawfy! I'm going out, got better things to do than hang about here all day. I'll be back whenever the Hell I feel like it."

I hear a few light footsteps, and the door next to me swings open. Brad's head appears around the doorframe with a stern look on his face.

"Don't kill anyone, don't come back completely drunk and _certainly_ don't go near Weiss. I won't have you screwing things up now. Get out of my sight."

Lazily waving a few fingers at him, I casually begin to wander back down the hallway. From behind me, I hear a faint voice:

"What the Hell is that…"

I can't help it; I start laughing and pick up the pace. Just before I'm out the front door, Brad's angry shouting hits my ears.

"SCHULDIG YOU GODDAMN LITTLE PUNK, GET YOUR FUCKING ASS BACK HERE THIS SECOND OR I SWEAR TO GOD THAT I'LL MAKE YOU NEED A WHEELCHAIR AND A FEEDING TUBE…"

…I think he realised what I did to his office door. Heh. I even got him to mention God; Braddy's usually always on me and Nagi's cases about being careful not to mention anything religious when Farfie's in hearing range…But then again, I guess that his rules don't extend to himself.

Well, looks like I won't be going home for a while now. Totally worth it, though!

And as for his comment about staying away from my favourite little florists; does he really think that I'm going to listen? As if. I can't help it that they have such pretty little visions of themselves that make them hilarious to listen to; hunters of the night? It's such a _noble_ cause!

Yeah, right.

Humming softly under my breath, 'The Clairvoyant' stuck in my head, I try to ignore Brad's mental voice pounding at my shields. There's no chance in Hell of me letting him in when I'm so close to the house; I'm gonna wait til I'm out of his range to let my shields down.

You know what? It's awesome to have super-human speed. Concentrating on not getting seen, I head towards the little flower shop, covering the kilometres in just over a minute. Not my personal best, but I have things on my mind.

Things like the dream that Fujimiya's going to get as soon as he falls asleep. I think tonight it's going to feature him, Balinese and me; I've always liked the look of Blondie, and I have to be there to up the freak-out level. When I'm not involved, Abyssinian doesn't get anywhere near as worried as he does when I make him dream about me bending him over a table.

Mmm, this is coming together nicely. Stilettos, fishnets, garters and corsets for the kitties, methinks, and a nicely submissive Fujimiya on all fours, getting fucked by me while he sucks off Balinese…it's enough to make me shiver in anticip…_ation_.

It's an absolute riot making that repressed idiot question his sexuality, and even more fun when he's freaking out about the possibility that he wants to have sex with 'The Enemy'. Not even _once_ has he even wondered whether I'm putting these dreams in his head…actually, I don't think that Weiss know what we can do.

Idiots.

Speaking of which, my shields are currently being blasted by the force of too many teenage girls all wondering why they can't keep staring at 'the gorgeous boys!'

I must be close to the flowershop, this happens every fucking time I come near. Though it is hilarious with the girls who actually think they have a _chance_ with that group of homosexuals. Not that I'm complaining about their preferences!

Alright, time to throw out the old mind probe…Got him! Fujimiya's kicking everyone out of the store; he's PMS-ing like crazy today, I guess. As per usual. Let's see what's going on in that little mind of angst today…

_Kill Takatori…Irritating fangirls…Kill Takatori…Revenge…Need to visit Aya…Revenge…Kudoh looked good today…Kill Takatori…_

Oooh, now that's interesting! That's the first time I've ever heard him think about how Balinese looks without having to dive right into the depths of his mind. Looks like Siberian's gonna have to try a little harder if he doesn't want Kudoh to be the one to wrench that closet door open.

The other good thing about super speed is the height of my vertical jump. It's just too easy to get onto the roof of their building, which means that it's my usual vantage point. There's something cool about kicking back right above the enemy's headquarters, and they don't even have the slightest clue.

…I've spent _way_ too much time up here.

Now, I might not be able to control Abyssinian, but I can sure as Hell give him a headache. Sometimes, it's bad enough that he decides to sleep it off; and that's when I get to have my fun!

Focusing on Fujimiya's mind, I let down my shields enough to allow a barrage of thoughts from the busy streets below in. I can handle it fine, but the normals never can; making sure not to go overboard into brain aneurism territory, I plant the noise from my brain directly inside Fujimiya's pretty little head.

Pulling out of his mind, despite how delicious his pain is, I switch across into Siberian's mind. From him, I can see Abyssinian's face start twitching; the idiot's too proud to grab his head like most people do.

I hear Fujimiya's voice through Siberian's ears, as well as a whole lot of concern for the redhead. Jeez, but Hidaka's got it _bad_ for Fujimiya.

"I'm going upstairs. Disturb me and I'll kill you."

'…_He looked like he suddenly got hurt, is he okay? Dammit, I wish he'd talk to me once in a while…I love hearing his voice…Shit, is Yohji upstairs as well? If he tries anything on Aya I'm going to put my foot through his skull, stupid playboy bastard…'_

As amusing as it is to listen to Hidaka slowly realise that Kudoh's gonna get in before him, he really isn't on my agenda tonight. I just don't think that he has the body for stockings and heels. Too many muscles.

Switching back to Fujimiya, I have to wade through the usual layers of 'revenge' and 'kill Takatori' before I can figure out whether or not he's planning on sleeping the headache off. It does make for such delicious anger, though.

Concentrating ridiculously hard, I try to implant the idea of sleep deep inside his brain. Dammit, if this doesn't stick I'm going to go in there and knock him out physically. He wouldn't know what hit him, but Braddy would, and I'm already in enough shit there. I'll keep that plan as a last resort, then.

'_Ugh…Where did this headache come from? I really don't want to take painkillers today…Maybe I should try and sleep. Yes, that should work…'_

Wha-…Oh, thank _fuck_, I was getting worried there. It worked! You're mine now, kitten!

Settling back against the roof, looking up into the sky, I monitor Fujimiya's thoughts as he slowly falls asleep. It's kinda boring, actually. Maybe I should go see what Kudoh's doing…

Shit, now _that's_ a view and a half! That over-sexed idiot is completely lost in a vivid fantasy, and if I didn't recognise the faces in it I would've sworn he was remembering a porn film. Holy _fuck_, can he really bend that way? That's going straight into Fujimiya's dream!

Now _this_ is better than watching Abyssinian's brainwaves slow down. I truly didn't expect to catch Kudoh jacking off to thoughts of ridiculously energetic and acrobatic sex with everyone's favourite katana-wielding redhead! I'm actually getting hard from his thoughts…and I'm glad no one can see me all the way up here, because this might get a little…_messy_.

Kudoh comes with a groan, and it's a shame that he's losing his grip on that fantasy. That was definitely one of the better ones I've ever peeked in on…I'm such a filthy voyeur.

But you know who's going to benefit from _that_? The sleeping man a few metres below me, who has no fucking clue about the dream he's gonna be having in a minute or two.

Forget what I said earlier; this has actually turned out to be a pretty damned good day! Pissing off Crawford, _not_ getting permanently maimed by Nagi, witnessing a hilariously competitive love triangle, getting a look at what Kudoh might be able to do with his body, and now…

Well, _now_ it's time to show Fujimiya just how good he could look dressed like a whore. I've always thought that he could stand to show a little more skin; this might just convince him, once he's gotten over the urge to vomit and the disgust at dreaming about getting taken by yours truly.

What a bastard; getting fucked by me is a reason to celebrate, not to act like you're sickened. One of these days, Fujimiya's going to realise that he's gayer than Mardi Gras, and I'm planning on being around to see which one of his team-mates he chooses.

Then, obviously, I'm gonna give him a bunch of dreams about fucking the _other_ one.

I'm such a prick sometimes…Well, all the time. But it's so much fun! And if Brad won't let me kill 'em, I have to get by _somehow_! It's quality entertainment, alright!

Clearing my head of distractions, I flick back to delve into Fujimiya's mind. Good, he's sleeping like a child. It's time to work a little Schuldig magic and make him mess up those nice, clean sheets on his bed.

I start to softly sing 'Sweet Transvestite', all the while filling Abyssinian's head with a realistic vision of himself and Kudoh on an oversized bed, Fujimiya straddling the blonde and grinding against his crotch. Naturally, both of them are clothed in matching, skimpy cross-dressed outfits- Hell _yes_. The back of Fujimiya's brain starts to get _very_ disturbed, but there's no way he can get out of this dream until I'm done.

And I'm a _long _way from finished.

Still weaving the vision, I add the next element. A door at the end of the room opens, and the pair on the bed come to a stop and look over, panting and flushed.

An outrageously good-looking man enters the room, and if it isn't…me! Fujimiya's brain is now screaming in panic, but the dream-Abyssinian is damn near licking his lips in excitement. It won't take much for that dream hard-on to translate into real life, either. He's going to have a great time washing those sleep pants tomorrow!

It's too much fun messing with these guys, it really is.

But if I've got the power to make assassins dream about dressing up like women and having threesomes, well, I'm gonna do it, aren't I?

Laughing out loud on the peaceful roof, I can't help but think; it feels _good_ to be evil. Pretty sure those, uh, _"white hunters_" never have this much fun.

Now, where was I? Ah, yes, three guys, one bed and some kinky-as-shit lingerie.

I just _love_ being an asshole.

-The End-


End file.
